I am (in a moment)

I walk away from the greasy scent of my childhood
what a liar am i
with such diseased lips i speak
speaking naught but dishonest sentiments
yes, I am a bad man

I sipped cheap wine before my judges
I threw back hard poisons in the presence of my only enemy
I threw myself against my bars
I am my own enemy
and I wont let myself love Him
Im letting my enemy win

I crawled to the Sanctuary
but I'll never allow my self to believe
Feeling alone, now more than ever
this hatred is hollowing me

I pulled out a gun, reminding me of a past i cant escape
I hugged the cold metal close to my chest
(i'm a bad man)
I crack my head against the wall
(im a bad man)
dry sobs heave in my chest
(im a bad man)
I know I'll never allow His love in
(Im a sad man)
I know the lack of His love is something i may regret
I fear His love so
(im a sad man)

And in a moment im free
In a moment I realized how much of His love I needed
In a moment I realized this moment is too late

~brittany (got the idea on the way to math class today)
(watchoo think?)

And honestly

(this is gonna be about... something that has given birth into my heart kinda a thought sorting and a confession, its not about a person i have ever met personally.)

Shamefully i confess my love to this tall, pale, dark haired stranger. The sun's passed over his head almost twice as much as it has mine. Yet he's irrevocably stolen my heart. with his lips and pen he's cursed me to trail behind and pick up the pieces of his graceful beauty. He's tainted me so mercilessly with his voice that echos in every fiber of my being. his words, his poetry taunts me and throws me down and picks me up to repeat the dance. he has the radiating eyes that have burned a fire inside of me. and yes a few years ago i hated him more than i can explain. i hated his voice hated his mainstream songs i hated him for thinking of breaking up the creation, i hated the fact that i loved him more than i hated him. yes, ill admit perhaps it isnt love in the traditional sense, and i do not love him more than i love Jesus thats impossible- but no human has ever made me feel this way save for this man i have never met. and perhaps im putting him on a platform and judging all my other loves against him but hey, im a silly girl. a silly girl looking for a silly love that no one i know will ever be able to fill. and so i will wait. and lose my self in something that im terribly unsure of. and honestly this man whom i may never meet here on earth and wont meet beyond speaks words in volumes, he is the one that speaks the words i cant ever say. wont ever be able to say again. or with enough passion. what i lack he fills and i have never met him. and

what if i never meet someone who will fill that?



*sighs*
"Let me be all the words
Let me feel the words echo in comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay
Let me feel the words echo in comfort, comfort, comfort, comfort
Let me be all the words that you'd unsay, unsay, unsay, unsay"
--he asked for it
lol now im being silly

~brittany

those eyes

(...if you dont know by now, then perhaps you never will. its the eyes)

Your love stops the swift footsteps
running, flying
away from here
Your title reasserts within
commanding, demanding
our all
Your eyes
that grace
the look of love upon Your face
lulls even the hardest hearts to eternity
Your blood flows like a monument
something so priceless
for here and for after
and for ever
Your voice, so true
confirms and fills the love that we draw upon
when hope is almost gone
Your hands
our molds
creations that are lovingly produced
cant help but lift all we do up to
Your eyes
that grace
the look of love upon Your face
Our hearts that foolishly choose
time and time again to lose
but still You're there
And til we are home
we live a life
dedicated to all You've done
with those hands and
those eyes, that shed tears of life for us
Your eyes,
that grace
the look of love upon Your face .

(so this was super ramdon and i dont like it much.. hmm idk
im picky, so yeah )
10/14/08

against the blue

sitting on my bed i looked over at the picture HN painted with her fingers during the begining of the summer when she came over to my house. i left her alone for like 3 minutes and came back and she had paint all over her face and hands and made a picture for me. its a mess of blue upon layers of purple, pink, white and some orange. she took a marker of mine and scrawled something in the corne "your up against the Blue, But all you see is clear." Now HN never had a thing for writing but she painted and drew. She looked to me and sometimes she said i had the words she could never say but always had felt. Upon relooking ath this picture before me i am smiling, a sad smile. she drew the birds. the birds i have been obsessing over for so long, she drew them. and a faint white mass on the picture that could be an abstract large white bird. but still the birds are there non the less. and this brings back sad and happy memories.

Summer was forever ago and she will never be the same to me. im still working on the bitterness i am feeling against her, against the hurt she has left me with. if i truely had her words, why did she hurt me so? who knows why people do the things they do

and maybe im overdramatizing a painted picture an old friend drew for me, maybe im squeezing symbolism out of something dried up, but thats not for understand and maybe its not for you to either.

no matter how much i analyzethese supposed archetypes in this work of hers, nothing has changed. perhaps one day they will

till then im still gonna write, im not gonna let what ever hurt me before bring me down now.

stay safe kid, and sleep sweet they say
i'll try and im fine

and right now i really am.

~brittany