On Waiting

(( to be honest, i suck at commenting blogs, but i think you all are great and thank you for the comments, you are amazing. p.s. i have given up trying man its just too tedious. he renunciado a buscar a alguien. es demasiado difícil. and i know I'm too young to give up. i guess I'm at the point where i could fall and why put myself at that risk?))

Opaque red dots decorate my vision
(buts its okay, i don't want to see, anyway)
my wrist hurts to the point that i cant use it
(But it's okay, it only ever gave me pressure anyway)
My eyes are burning, my cold heart ceases beating
(but its okay, i don't cry and my heart has been useless anyway)

i give monotonous excuses
my mind has been a waste
(but it's okay, it's not like i need it anyway)

I stare off the edge of my bed and wonder
will my future fall apart?
And i stand in a cage inside of my head and wonder,
is there a cure for my disease?

(but it's okay,
I'll suck it up,
hold my breath
it's not like I'm living
anyway)

God has given me life and i have only given Him grief
(but it's okay, I'm still waiting on Him, anyway)
my hand is blackened and charred from this disease
(but it's okay, i've learned I cant hold to my dreams, anyway)
Im on top of a stage and all i hear are screams
(but it's okay, i've gotten used to the shaking anyway)

My life's a constant excuse
can you help me through one trying day?
(but it's okay if you say no, i didn't think you would, anyway)

I stare off the edge of my desk and wonder,
will my future fall apart?
And i pull at the bars of my cage and wonder,
when did it get so hard?

(but it's okay,
the Doctor said
He's working on my cure,
anyway)

My feet ache from always dancing to the beat
(but it's okay, they're coming soon to relieve me, anyway)
the poet has died, this night that i am born
(but it's okay, he's given me his blessing to continue on, anyway)
The musician has drownned, thinking i was alright
(but it's okay, he has always believed me, anyway)

I've spent all of my life forming an excuse,
just, God, get me out of here!
(but it's okay-no it's never felt okay in any way)

I stare at my vitals on the machine and wonder,
will my future fall apart?
And the Doctor comes in, He's shaking His head, and i wonder
why have i been waiting so long for more bad news?

(but it's not okay ,
i have been waiting since i have been awoken
since my fall of me,
im not who i was
in any way)

my vision clears, i see neon lights
(but it's okay, heaven's just in an hour or two, anyway)
a pen's shoved into my hand, my wrist crumbles in the pressure
(but it's okay, it has always been like this, anyway)
My eyes are focused, my heart is removed
(but it's okay, i dont cry and my heart has been useless, anyway)

My unforgiveable manner has it's excuse,
this machine has read me through,
(but it's okay, I know my future never had a chance, anyway)

-brittany (03-07-09)

(umm i wrote this at the time with a different intention behind it but after all these events that have unfolded, it still matters to me, but for this new decision i have made.)

Soldier Suicides

i am a soldier
and i am a martyr
i am a killer
and i am a human
i am a lover
and i am imperfect

I am a soldier
defending my country
I stand on the front line-
i point my gun at my enemy
I never surrender, I-
I never surrender.
Because

I am a killer
sweating down to my core
I stand with my gun poised,
laughing at they run
I never surrender
and i am a human
losing more of me everyday
i shoot the gun unmercilessly at my enemy
I never surrender, I-
I never surrender.
Because

I am a lover
missing your sweet lips
I stand with longing rushing through me
i hold to the promises i made to my mother
I point the gun
I never surrender
and i am imperfect
hypocrisy ringing through me
as i shoot to kill my enemy
I never surrender, I-
i never surrender.
because

I am a soldier
and i am the martyr,
i am a killer
and i am a human,
i am a lover
and i am imperfect

my mind plays tricks on me
my longings and fears taunt me,
they tell me i am a coward
that I'll never admit
I am my enemy.

~Brittany