And then I search

"And without faith it is impossible to please Him, for whoever would draw near to God must believe that He exists and that He rewards those who seek Him." Hebrews 11:6

Truth of hell

Her: If the bible is truth in it's entirety, then I would be going to hell.
Me: The Bible is truth and we all deserve hell. That's what it says and that is the truth. "But God..." But God decided that He would sacrifice His treasure to cover our ugliness so that we might have a chance to be with Him in the house of God forever.

If I die young

Me: I feel nothing and I'm not sure if i want to feel anything. What does that make me?
Her: Either fearful or acceptance of the absurdity of fulfillment.
Me: I don't think it's absurd, i just don't want it. I don't want anything. But i know i need it. I just don't want it. I don't feel it
Her: What is the underlying reason why you don't want it? What is it that you're trying to avoid?
Me: I want to want it but i don't. I don't think I'm trying to avoid anything. I reach out sometimes, i know all the correct things, but there's just...nothing.
Her: I don't think that there is  a single word for it but i know what it means.  I don't know how you would call it but how I defined it was just being lost. Surrounded by nothing, and not being able to figure out what to do with it. And just feeling nothing to know where to go from there. Even though you kno w all the correct things you don't  know how to use it to help yourself or if you even want to cause you feel like you'll fuck it up. Kind of like being dead and not really caring cause you just don't know.  Maybe I'm wrong. But this was how it felt for me.