"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." - Marya Hornbacher

Sleep

Some times I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm afraid of what the coming days will bring. I'm afraid of the black ominous void that is my future, one of loneliness, poverty, and dreams slowly slipping from my hands. I wrestle with thoughts of death and the burden a half life such as mine would bring to those around me. I drown in anxiety and there is no surfacing, just swallowing more and more panic til i fall into the eventual cataclysmic event and my eyes bleed, my lungs burst, and I am standing before the throne. I Could have so much more, be so much more, but I am just lost and floundering with no aid. I am a burden and I want not to be, I want so much for my dreams to take flight and for my aspirations to be within my reach, I want to be happy and fulfilled, but I am not. I fear I will never be. I fear that my time will end before I get the chance to feel happiness for the first time in what feels like all of my life.

I am filled with sadness deep, formless and suffocating. Falling into it seems like the only option I have left soon enough.

Not soon enough.

Too soon