Shaking

I've out my hands
into gluttonous caverns
afraid,
eyes shut,
cringing

that is behind me
lost in memory

i want to search,
taste the sweetness
that i lost long ago
i'll make no apologies
as i continue,
did i regret it?
does it matter?

precious voices
lull me
as if their sweetness
was meant for me
because much of these
past months
have sucked it out of me
leaving me bitter,
pressured

singing boys,
perfect hands
leave me smiling
because this has time for sweetness
before the pressure

how i miss the sweetness
i open my mouth,
taste,
and let them take the bitter from me
and fill me with hope and, shaking, i will have the sweetness

who can cushion me with it?
before the weight can come,
before my shoulders stoop?
before i find myself drowning?

and, shaking, you will fill me
protect me
encase me
complete me with something foreign
something that i lack

before the pressure comes,
before the caverns open up and suck me in again.

~brittany

(1-11-10)

An End.

my tears fall down
they stain my face
it's because of you,
i'll make this clear,
only you

this existence is fleeting
and you could have never felt for me
like i did for you
like i do for you

and so i'll waste my time
with jerk boys
wondering if they'll be true
if i can feel without you

i swear after tonight
i'll no longer put pen to paper and bring to light
this weakness in me
i won't hurt you because of me

the wind is cruel
it cuts to bone
i thrash and i fight
i won't be alone
i'm not as strong as you
i can't let this die

you had me, you gave me away
my tears fall down
they stain my face
as you continue to turn away
and say "im in crisis"
ever focused on yourself
on your faults
like some sick game
that you never try to win

and so i'll waste my time
with jerk boys, beautiful boys,
wondering if they'll be true
if i can feel for them like i feel for you

and i swear after tonight
i'll no longer put pen to paper and bring to light
this pain in me
i won't ever tell you
how close i was to breaking

i'll let the greed to see your smile
slowly, slowly let it die

and all these words i thought i'd never say
come out and i'm full of shame
full of fear,
why won't this die?
why can't i let this die?

I am fleeting!
these words will soon be done
and i'll waste my time
with beautiful boys
knowing that i will love them all
and wondering if i will stay this vulnerable
wondering if they can hurt me
because you broke this cold shell open
forever...
forever...

and i swear, after tonight
i'll no longer put pen to paper and bring to light
this stupidity in me
and i'll never tell you
that these are words i'd never say
because this weakness in me makes me full of shame

~brittany
2-25-10