“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.

There's nothing I can do to mend the gap. Only God can.

"If your sorrow turns in on yourself, it is a sinful sorrow." What does that mean?

So if you're interested

I'll take you anywhere
I'll buy some beat up car, we could get out of here
Some place we can be ourself
We won't watch you kill yourself
Or leave you here to rot to death and all of this
I'll take you anywhere that you want to go
(Somewhere you can be yourself)
I'll take you anywhere that you want to go
(I won't watch you kill yourself)
I'll take you anywhere that you want to go

I

I had a headache and wanted to lay down and stare at a blank wall til everything was different and better or until I was gone

Take me home

"I don’t think people realise how hard it is to re-discover the person you were before depression..."

"You never come back, not all the way. Always there is an odd distance between you and the people you love and the people you meet, a barrier thin as the glass of a mirror, you never come all the way out of the mirror; you stand, for the rest of your life, with one foot in this world and one in another, where everything is upside down and backward and sad." - Marya Hornbacher

Sleep

Some times I'm afraid to go to sleep because I'm afraid of what the coming days will bring. I'm afraid of the black ominous void that is my future, one of loneliness, poverty, and dreams slowly slipping from my hands. I wrestle with thoughts of death and the burden a half life such as mine would bring to those around me. I drown in anxiety and there is no surfacing, just swallowing more and more panic til i fall into the eventual cataclysmic event and my eyes bleed, my lungs burst, and I am standing before the throne. I Could have so much more, be so much more, but I am just lost and floundering with no aid. I am a burden and I want not to be, I want so much for my dreams to take flight and for my aspirations to be within my reach, I want to be happy and fulfilled, but I am not. I fear I will never be. I fear that my time will end before I get the chance to feel happiness for the first time in what feels like all of my life.

I am filled with sadness deep, formless and suffocating. Falling into it seems like the only option I have left soon enough.

Not soon enough.

Too soon

“How odd, I can have all this inside me 

and to you it’s just words.” 

- David Foster Wallace

1. When you cut yourself, clean and bandage it.
2. Do not start smoking cigarettes because the boy who broke your heart does.
3. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
4. Cutting calories doesn’t do anything but make you unhappy.
5. If the number on the scale rises, throw it out.
6. The first girl you ever “date” is going to call the police on you even though she lives three thousand miles away, because you’re going to tell her that you’re not in a good mental state shortly after you’ve “broken up”.
7. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
8. Break up with the boy who says, “You had a sexy phase!” when you tell him that you’ve dated a girl before.
9. Dating your friends is not always the best idea, but you can still be friends after you’ve broken up with her.
10. Your mother will try to become your best friend because you’re leaving for college soon. Let her.
11. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
12. Your closest friend will stop talking to you when you leave for college.
13. It’s okay to cry.
14. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.
15. When you cut yourself again, clean and bandage it. Do not be ashamed.
16. Your anxiety is going to try and control your entire life. Tell it to shut the hell up, because you’re trying to live and that task is hard enough as it is.
17. The past has a funny way of coming back in the form of you developing a crush on another friend.
18. Try not to hate yourself for breaking up with your boyfriend.
19. If you’re still smoking, apologize silently to your mother.
20. When you want to kill yourself, don’t.

-(Source)

I've been thinking about death, about dying, a lot more than I'd ever admit. The shaking, the dread, the give up at the end and the drift.

I'm falling for the idea of that drift, that escape.

And so if you ask me what I'm going to do with my future and I say not die, that's not a sarcastic or empty sentiment.

Clings

Your sadness clings to you,
Did you know that?
Have you seen how it stains your skin,
How it pierces your flesh?
You try hard to cover it up,
Wash it off
Conceal, they’ll never know

And you’ll never know
What it is like to not be this way

Oh yes your sadness clings to you,
It damages you
It will destroy you
If you let it

And I’ve seen you let it
Let it grow and grow,
Making every thing good and generous
Become twisted and monstrous

You’re letting your monsters in

You’re captivated by the sadness
You think it’s a blessing
And maybe
Maybe it is

Not for you,
No for some other soul
You’re lost and losing ground

You’re falling
and
sinking
and
Drowning

Your sadness clings to you

You try hard to cover it up,
Wash it off
Making every thing good
Become monstrous
While you’re captivated

By the stains on your skin.

Coming back feels more like home than I'd care to admit

I'm scared,  tired,  and a little flushed.  I'm not alone though,  which makes all the difference.  I'd be dead if I was alone, I'm not strong enough to face life on my own.  I need people to fall on, to cushion me.  Or the dark in me would most definitely win. 

I have so much dark in me,  heavy and oppressive and unrelenting. I'm lost but not alone.  Lost in the spiral of self hate and desperation and fear.  I'm so afraid.

I have people,  but I don't have my God. 

People fail but God is hard to reach.  He is supposed to reach down to me in my lostness and sin.  He hasn't.  Not yet.

And the darkness in me grows with each passing day.  I don't look forward to the future,  I don't look straight ahead.  Because if I do I know I would get overwhelmed.

I am overwhelmed and afraid and useless and lost and managing from day to day.

Trying to find distractions, things to sustain me.

Call me an escapist but you don't know the heavy reality I face. If not for diversions, I'd be dead long before now.

No one seems to realize that.

Guess I play my diversions well. Wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone else anyway. 

I'm depressed. I think about my death often, both wanting it to happen already and wanting to make a mark before it does.

In my darkness, I will meet my Creator.

I just hope he gets to me before it comes to that point.

I feel so hopeless

Explain how I can get out of this

All in all

I'm a very sad person,  I just ignore it or I'd be crippled by it.

I'm terminal.

I haven't got much longer

Life

"I intend to leave this life so shattered there’s gonna have to be a thousand separate heavens for all of my flying parts."