I'm scared, tired, and a little flushed. I'm not alone though, which makes all the difference. I'd be dead if I was alone, I'm not strong enough to face life on my own. I need people to fall on, to cushion me. Or the dark in me would most definitely win.
I have so much dark in me, heavy and oppressive and unrelenting. I'm lost but not alone. Lost in the spiral of self hate and desperation and fear. I'm so afraid.
I have people, but I don't have my God.
People fail but God is hard to reach. He is supposed to reach down to me in my lostness and sin. He hasn't. Not yet.
And the darkness in me grows with each passing day. I don't look forward to the future, I don't look straight ahead. Because if I do I know I would get overwhelmed.
I am overwhelmed and afraid and useless and lost and managing from day to day.
Trying to find distractions, things to sustain me.
Call me an escapist but you don't know the heavy reality I face. If not for diversions, I'd be dead long before now.
No one seems to realize that.
Guess I play my diversions well. Wouldn't be able to explain it to anyone else anyway.
I'm depressed. I think about my death often, both wanting it to happen already and wanting to make a mark before it does.
In my darkness, I will meet my Creator.
I just hope he gets to me before it comes to that point.
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