*sighes*

"Every creator painfully experiences the chasm between his inner vision and its ultimate expression. The chasm is never completely bridged. We all have the conviction, perhaps illusory, that we have much more to say than appears on the paper." ~ Isaac Bashevis Singer

mehhahah

this will be short i hope, its pretty late and i wanna catch some zz's welll enough into the night so that i stop feeling tired every single day. every single day it's hard. hard to continue. i watch my world slowly slip away, losing my sanity and this game and i cant help but hope for some way to wake up. and i pray. to be honest im not sure if i have prayed for me to snap out of this waking dream life yet. im not sure if i want reality to hit me just yet. it sucks and i dont want to deal, but also i dont wanna fall apart completely, at least not so late in the game. some would say it's early but i've gotta tell you, i have been around for almow 17 years and i havent seen much change. and im fearful to think that i have hit my peak, but who knows? do you see me? i sit off to the side, a part, but only just so. do you see me? quiet, lost in thought, not wanting to speak yet feeling so alien if i dont. human contact is so tedious. and yet so neccessary. i cant stand it. give me a hope, i pray and i get amazed by God. but its this world that i want no part of. i want to travel the world, as if i were a lost deity, watching, observing, and never really being a part of. and yet yet so in love with these people.

do i need to be compassonate? yes. pity is for the weak. who knows.
all of history is based on class struggles. woo hoo go marx.
and im dying. inside and out. let's throw a party and act like teenage girls and throw strangers dirty looks.

let's.
let's

...
let's not and say that we did live. for real. once, long ago...


~brittany

Dear Brittany

(2/13/2009)

Everyday has been endless,
and to be honest, i feel breathless
but my mind's saying
that im all the more stronger
from the loss

And to the person you know i miss:
i hate hating her
and to the person you know i see every week:
i hate knowing he's right.
I have no excuses,
I dont even try to fight
anymore.

Everyday has been soulless
and to be honest, i feel weaker
i am a robot with rusted hinges
and an out of date program

My senses are playing tricks on me,
drudging up familiar scents
when at most they're the death of me.

And to you,
im sick of seeing you
im sick of thinking
sick of waiting to be me again
I have no excuses,
i dont even fight it
anymore.

everyday has been endless
and to be honest i still feel lifeless
and i hate my hands
which can perfectly describe how i feel
and leave me empty

She said:
"If this is love,
than i want no part of it."
and it took me a while to realize
that she was me

Endless, endless
why do my days feel so Godless?
endless, endless
When Christ is in me?

And will you help me recognize
that they arent endless?
one day will we see,
that we are alive,
one day
will we feel alive?

will Christ be the life of me?
because God knows im dead right now.

~brittany

(( wrote it during the Ventures movie night...)

Deaprted one (gone)

((...this is gonna be about jonathan and its kinda long. i wrote it sunday during discipleship when my head was hurting. yeah...))

Gone, gone
and i barely knew you
gone, gone
and i can't feel you
Oh Departed One,
mine eyes arent alive
without you they hurt
I feel blinded

Gone, gone
and i know i loved you
gone, gone
and i can't save you
Oh Divine
I cant see you
Oh Divine
I cant hear you
oh beyond,
I cant smell yoiu
Oh Departed one

Gone, gone
and i miss you
Gone, gone
and i cant taste you
oh beyond,
where are you now?
oh above
I miss you

gone, gone
and i wish i had you
gone, gone
and i cant feel you
Oh Departed One
i cant find you
oh Divine
I cant hear you
oh beyond,
I cant see you
oh Departed one

oh beloved,
My God, He has you
Oh adored,
you're up there with Him
Oh Divine
please help me through this
Oh Departed One

Gone, gone
and i barely knew you
Gone, gone
and i cant feel you
Oh Departed one
how am i alive,
without you?
oh Departed one

and i'm stronger
(oh love)
how i miss you
(oh Departed one)
but i'll see you
(oh Divine)
up there with Him

cause you're..
Gone, gone
and i barely knew you
gone, gone
and i cant feel you
oh above
how i miss you
Oh Departed One

~brittany.

((so im listening to a song that brings up bad memories right now.
but it kinda relates to jonathan and stuff, idk i love this song. its "dreamer"by progress in color.
what do you think?..or the poema))