After A Loss

I am here
with ghosts of...
with memories of...
(these are his clothes,
where do i put them?)

paralyzed, I sit in his room
trying to will him back
he's gone, he's gone
the sirens have ended
the police are done
(don't touch his clothes,
don't touch anything)

days pass
i am lost in a fog,
a world of nightmares
the only things that are real,
that can bring me to real life
are the memories of my dead little boy
(I know it's hard,
I miss him too,
but you have to move on.
He'd want that.)

This pain hurts
i can't shake it
i won't let it go
the pain is the only reminder
that he ever was
that i had him,
that i once held him
(Mom, he was a child
he didn't know what he wanted.
just go, please go
I'll see you tomorrow)

Tears have long been strangled
faces of pity have turned to annoyance
i shove my way through the flood
of bodies, of life
on some level i know this isn't right
but his death overwhelms me
(No!
I come here everyday,
to see my daughter wasting away!
I lost him too!
I miss him too!
but you can't continue like this!)

No end in sight,
no end in...
no end in sight,
no peace in...
no end in sight,
no hope in...
no end in sight,
I'm lost in...
(Okay ma, i'll stop
I'll put the boxes away,
I'll pack away his things)

Whispered promises,
all the things i taught him...
all the plastic pieces that brought him happiness
does Death look down on me?
Does it watch me?
does it send gusts of memories
just to leave me paralyzed?
(as she leaves,
i carefully shut the front door,
i walk to his room,
i stare at the boxes)

I am left here
paralyzed in his room
lost in memories, that i cling t
to keep me afloat
I won't overcome,
eventually i will fall...
i will drown...
memories, objects, pictures, clothes,
prove that he was real,
that he lived,
that i once could hold him,
that he was once mine.
(I pick up the empty boxes
and place them beside the trash can,
I press play on the dvd player
and i hear his voice,
...home videos of my little boy...
The volume is loud,
and i can breathe again
my son is there, he is smiling
i collapse in his room
staring blankly at the walls
and i can feel him
i can feel the pain
and i need him
his memories bring me to life again.)
~brittany
4/15/10
((...its soo long!...))