Churning

I have grown weary of invincibility
my defenses have begun to turn on me
and i cannot accept that this is true
anymore.

My stomach plummets,
when i consider questions i cannot answer
yet,
when i realize my fears have become a part of
me,
when I find that who i used to be,
could only lead to my death.

I have accepted defeat
as I fall into something a lot like vulnerability
something I used to hate,
something that makes me queasy
and I wonder if this is something i should
run away from.

My heart beats erratically,
when i know that i am close to breaking this hard
shell,
when i know that all my defenses have been
pummeled,
when i find that all these thing i feel,
could be both a curse and a blessing.

I have given up my invincibility,
Good God, This one's gonna hurt,
I look a lot like someone actually living,
fully feeling,
being and embracing
and I know that this is a gift You have given me.

My insides are churning
when i try to foresee the future of my
life,
when I think of how this all could actually
last,
when I thank God for giving me this blessing
and teaching me still.

~brittany
5/9/11