It's been a while since I have written anything self-reflexive. There has been no poetry from my pen, no deep thoughts, no anything that has to do with me. There is a reason for it, a self-preservation based reason that I still would like to cling to even now as I seek to just lay it out there. But I can't continue on this way. I have to admit, believe, and commit. Not unto salvation where I first heard this ABC spiel, but to my life. One that I have not lived consciously in a very long time.
Admittedly, to confess all that I did transgress in the last year would take me a long time, then, near the end, I'd lie and just finish it abruptly wanting to get away from the ugliness. I admit to not knowing a single thing about my future or how I can get out of this hole I am in at this very moment. I dug it myself using my own bloodied hands against the gravel that wished to hold me up. I broke through the first layer and went further and further down until I sit here in the exact spot on the other side of the earth. In the same house. In the same position. With the same people. I am a lot less angry now, learning to only feel anything over fictional characters and worlds, or the injustice received by those I care about. I can't care about myself. I put myself in this place of no movement and unless I pull myself out, I will stay here. A nonperson. A no one. A burden. Nothing.
I try to soothe myself with promises that I have every intention of keeping, but fail to. I remind myself of my dreams and the lofty goals I have in store for me, but then as I try to achieve them I fail. I admit that my writing has suffered the minute I shrugged off self and threw it in the corner of the closet in my mind and decided it was too painful to grow on my insides. I admit to failing and lying and just letting anything and everything get in the way of myself achieving one single thing.
Belief in the Lord above has been strangled. I lost the joy of my salvation yes, but I have lost much much more than something like that. I have lost...the conviction of my beliefs, my morals, and of the God I desperately wish I knew. It started with anger that I let seep in over the pains of my loved ones against those who claimed to know you. Then I looked in the mirror and saw that I was exactly like they were-just as judgmental and cruel and false in the things I say I believe and the Love I daily forgot to be. That broke my faith and I looked at the world lost. Who was the God I believed in now? How do I approach Him? How do I perform His service? In my lost state, doubt crept in along with it's buddy anger. A new anger, directed right at God from myself in my state. It coursed through me, animating my limbs in something horrible. I am so sorry God. And now, where I am, I am looking up at Him trying to find a place solid enough on this shifting sand so that I can jump, grab a branch that won't break under the weight of my sin against God, and use it to pull myself up. I am calling to Him with no voice, if I lost in through my anger or in my fear of finding Him, I am not sure. If you asked me the questions of God, I'd give you the correct answers without any faith behind those statements. I have lost my belief. I believe though I have lost my belief. Do you know what I mean by that?
I commit to finding God and myself again. I commit to achieving my dreams through ACTIONS and not foolishly through words as I sit on my ass pretending life away. I will drown if I continue to do that. If I give up. Give me Your hands, give me Your feet, give me Your courage, Lord let me run to you forsaking all else. Forsaking my fears and the reality that I am a no person. For indeed I am no one with out you.
Midnight tonight, starts a new year of my life. And by You, I will find You and be the person of my dreams. I will piece together my heart in Your name, for the sake of my heart and my dreams, and for all the stories I have in me and will have that deserve to be written. Oh Lord, have mercy on this poor soul lost in the hole on the other side of a dark and dangerous universe.
Let this escapist find her way home.
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