People's lives are so messy.
We all have the choice to let people into our lives. In letting them inside, we allow ourselves to be damaged and to cause damage in return. Do we ever really realize this?
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about the life of a person we know a little being so messy. Pregnant by a new boyfriend after losing her child in a freak accident last year. The father of the child she was with until the death. They were married actually and some time after having the child she became a lesbian and he didn't get to see his child. Then they were back together and the accident occurred. The little girl was only one or so. They are still married as far as I know.
That is a messy life.
So are many lives, probably every life of everyone walking the earth is messy.
Why do we do this? Why are we such messy, flawed creations?
Falling in love and uniting for what should be forever until we become selfish and destroy what was built. It was created to last an eternity but eternity isn't as long as it used to be. Children get displaced, feelings get hurt, families get ruined, and we still charge on as though nothing's wrong.
We know that everything is wrong.
Everything is wrong.
My life is messy, though I keep it to myself and do my best not to mess up anyone else's life. I can't handle another person getting involved in my life. Because I will end up hurting them or wanting to hurt them or being hurt by them and I have decided I don't want to be the cause of pain like that again. It stays with you. The string of lives your life intertwines with stay with you, forever binding you to that person you hurt, no matter how much time and string has passed since then. It weighs me down, and I don't want to be weighed down by something I didn't have to allow in my life to begin with.
People, to an extent, are choices. To let them into your life or to keep them out. Yes, we as a human race desire to be connected with one another but that only extends so far. There are disposable people that we could have cut the ties with before they became to densely knotted but we didn't.
That's not saying that eventually I will settle down in a life intertwined with someone that I chose to spend forever with. I'm saying it will be a long damn time until I even think that is an option and the person has to do a whole lot of convincing. I just don't think anyone will find it worth it to put in the time to do the convincing and I'm not sure if I want them to right now.
I want nothing that can weigh me down with choices I'm not ready to face yet. God's honest truth.
My messy life only affects me and that's how I want it. I don't want to show my selfish colors to some poor soul and hurt them like I know I will. Being alone is comforting, I never feel lonely. I never desire too strongly for the physical company of being with others.
There are the few sometimes...but they are few and leave as quickly as they hit.
Why are lives so messy? Why do we hurt people? Why do we allow ourselves to immerse ourselves in someone else's life just to hurt them? Do we ignore the pit that forms in our stomach at the mention of that person's name? The hurts we commit can never fully be buried under the weight of time. They follow us like terrible shadows. We are cowards if we run from them. We are lonely people in denial if we avoid making the relationships to begin with. We are sluts and fools if we have too many relationships with too many hurts that we keep going back to.
There is always something wrong. Does it always have to be like this?
No one leads a life that is without messy chunks lasting months, years, decades...but we have a choice to hurt other people and bring them down with us.
I choose love without weight.
And since that is impossible so far to achieve in past attempts, I choose not to love at all.
The only weightless love, is the heaviest love I know.
And that Love falls beyond eternity.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about the life of a person we know a little being so messy. Pregnant by a new boyfriend after losing her child in a freak accident last year. The father of the child she was with until the death. They were married actually and some time after having the child she became a lesbian and he didn't get to see his child. Then they were back together and the accident occurred. The little girl was only one or so. They are still married as far as I know.
That is a messy life.
So are many lives, probably every life of everyone walking the earth is messy.
Why do we do this? Why are we such messy, flawed creations?
Falling in love and uniting for what should be forever until we become selfish and destroy what was built. It was created to last an eternity but eternity isn't as long as it used to be. Children get displaced, feelings get hurt, families get ruined, and we still charge on as though nothing's wrong.
We know that everything is wrong.
Everything is wrong.
My life is messy, though I keep it to myself and do my best not to mess up anyone else's life. I can't handle another person getting involved in my life. Because I will end up hurting them or wanting to hurt them or being hurt by them and I have decided I don't want to be the cause of pain like that again. It stays with you. The string of lives your life intertwines with stay with you, forever binding you to that person you hurt, no matter how much time and string has passed since then. It weighs me down, and I don't want to be weighed down by something I didn't have to allow in my life to begin with.
People, to an extent, are choices. To let them into your life or to keep them out. Yes, we as a human race desire to be connected with one another but that only extends so far. There are disposable people that we could have cut the ties with before they became to densely knotted but we didn't.
That's not saying that eventually I will settle down in a life intertwined with someone that I chose to spend forever with. I'm saying it will be a long damn time until I even think that is an option and the person has to do a whole lot of convincing. I just don't think anyone will find it worth it to put in the time to do the convincing and I'm not sure if I want them to right now.
I want nothing that can weigh me down with choices I'm not ready to face yet. God's honest truth.
My messy life only affects me and that's how I want it. I don't want to show my selfish colors to some poor soul and hurt them like I know I will. Being alone is comforting, I never feel lonely. I never desire too strongly for the physical company of being with others.
There are the few sometimes...but they are few and leave as quickly as they hit.
Why are lives so messy? Why do we hurt people? Why do we allow ourselves to immerse ourselves in someone else's life just to hurt them? Do we ignore the pit that forms in our stomach at the mention of that person's name? The hurts we commit can never fully be buried under the weight of time. They follow us like terrible shadows. We are cowards if we run from them. We are lonely people in denial if we avoid making the relationships to begin with. We are sluts and fools if we have too many relationships with too many hurts that we keep going back to.
There is always something wrong. Does it always have to be like this?
No one leads a life that is without messy chunks lasting months, years, decades...but we have a choice to hurt other people and bring them down with us.
I choose love without weight.
And since that is impossible so far to achieve in past attempts, I choose not to love at all.
The only weightless love, is the heaviest love I know.
And that Love falls beyond eternity.
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