How do i stop myself from writing such similar characters?
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Saturday, April 27, 2013
"Beatrice"
It started out as a simple story idea,
How did it end up like this?
How did it end up like this?
Friday, April 26, 2013
On marriage and serious relationships
"uh who WOULDN'T want to marry a mediocre man at a young age?
BEEN THERE
DONE THAT
WOULD NOT RECOMMEND!"
We must be killers.
People's lives are so messy.
We all have the choice to let people into our lives. In letting them inside, we allow ourselves to be damaged and to cause damage in return. Do we ever really realize this?
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about the life of a person we know a little being so messy. Pregnant by a new boyfriend after losing her child in a freak accident last year. The father of the child she was with until the death. They were married actually and some time after having the child she became a lesbian and he didn't get to see his child. Then they were back together and the accident occurred. The little girl was only one or so. They are still married as far as I know.
That is a messy life.
So are many lives, probably every life of everyone walking the earth is messy.
Why do we do this? Why are we such messy, flawed creations?
Falling in love and uniting for what should be forever until we become selfish and destroy what was built. It was created to last an eternity but eternity isn't as long as it used to be. Children get displaced, feelings get hurt, families get ruined, and we still charge on as though nothing's wrong.
We know that everything is wrong.
Everything is wrong.
My life is messy, though I keep it to myself and do my best not to mess up anyone else's life. I can't handle another person getting involved in my life. Because I will end up hurting them or wanting to hurt them or being hurt by them and I have decided I don't want to be the cause of pain like that again. It stays with you. The string of lives your life intertwines with stay with you, forever binding you to that person you hurt, no matter how much time and string has passed since then. It weighs me down, and I don't want to be weighed down by something I didn't have to allow in my life to begin with.
People, to an extent, are choices. To let them into your life or to keep them out. Yes, we as a human race desire to be connected with one another but that only extends so far. There are disposable people that we could have cut the ties with before they became to densely knotted but we didn't.
That's not saying that eventually I will settle down in a life intertwined with someone that I chose to spend forever with. I'm saying it will be a long damn time until I even think that is an option and the person has to do a whole lot of convincing. I just don't think anyone will find it worth it to put in the time to do the convincing and I'm not sure if I want them to right now.
I want nothing that can weigh me down with choices I'm not ready to face yet. God's honest truth.
My messy life only affects me and that's how I want it. I don't want to show my selfish colors to some poor soul and hurt them like I know I will. Being alone is comforting, I never feel lonely. I never desire too strongly for the physical company of being with others.
There are the few sometimes...but they are few and leave as quickly as they hit.
Why are lives so messy? Why do we hurt people? Why do we allow ourselves to immerse ourselves in someone else's life just to hurt them? Do we ignore the pit that forms in our stomach at the mention of that person's name? The hurts we commit can never fully be buried under the weight of time. They follow us like terrible shadows. We are cowards if we run from them. We are lonely people in denial if we avoid making the relationships to begin with. We are sluts and fools if we have too many relationships with too many hurts that we keep going back to.
There is always something wrong. Does it always have to be like this?
No one leads a life that is without messy chunks lasting months, years, decades...but we have a choice to hurt other people and bring them down with us.
I choose love without weight.
And since that is impossible so far to achieve in past attempts, I choose not to love at all.
The only weightless love, is the heaviest love I know.
And that Love falls beyond eternity.
Yesterday, I was talking to a friend of mine about the life of a person we know a little being so messy. Pregnant by a new boyfriend after losing her child in a freak accident last year. The father of the child she was with until the death. They were married actually and some time after having the child she became a lesbian and he didn't get to see his child. Then they were back together and the accident occurred. The little girl was only one or so. They are still married as far as I know.
That is a messy life.
So are many lives, probably every life of everyone walking the earth is messy.
Why do we do this? Why are we such messy, flawed creations?
Falling in love and uniting for what should be forever until we become selfish and destroy what was built. It was created to last an eternity but eternity isn't as long as it used to be. Children get displaced, feelings get hurt, families get ruined, and we still charge on as though nothing's wrong.
We know that everything is wrong.
Everything is wrong.
My life is messy, though I keep it to myself and do my best not to mess up anyone else's life. I can't handle another person getting involved in my life. Because I will end up hurting them or wanting to hurt them or being hurt by them and I have decided I don't want to be the cause of pain like that again. It stays with you. The string of lives your life intertwines with stay with you, forever binding you to that person you hurt, no matter how much time and string has passed since then. It weighs me down, and I don't want to be weighed down by something I didn't have to allow in my life to begin with.
People, to an extent, are choices. To let them into your life or to keep them out. Yes, we as a human race desire to be connected with one another but that only extends so far. There are disposable people that we could have cut the ties with before they became to densely knotted but we didn't.
That's not saying that eventually I will settle down in a life intertwined with someone that I chose to spend forever with. I'm saying it will be a long damn time until I even think that is an option and the person has to do a whole lot of convincing. I just don't think anyone will find it worth it to put in the time to do the convincing and I'm not sure if I want them to right now.
I want nothing that can weigh me down with choices I'm not ready to face yet. God's honest truth.
My messy life only affects me and that's how I want it. I don't want to show my selfish colors to some poor soul and hurt them like I know I will. Being alone is comforting, I never feel lonely. I never desire too strongly for the physical company of being with others.
There are the few sometimes...but they are few and leave as quickly as they hit.
Why are lives so messy? Why do we hurt people? Why do we allow ourselves to immerse ourselves in someone else's life just to hurt them? Do we ignore the pit that forms in our stomach at the mention of that person's name? The hurts we commit can never fully be buried under the weight of time. They follow us like terrible shadows. We are cowards if we run from them. We are lonely people in denial if we avoid making the relationships to begin with. We are sluts and fools if we have too many relationships with too many hurts that we keep going back to.
There is always something wrong. Does it always have to be like this?
No one leads a life that is without messy chunks lasting months, years, decades...but we have a choice to hurt other people and bring them down with us.
I choose love without weight.
And since that is impossible so far to achieve in past attempts, I choose not to love at all.
The only weightless love, is the heaviest love I know.
And that Love falls beyond eternity.
Thursday, April 25, 2013
You helped me tonight.
A drop of blood would grant me eternal life and victory and without it I am dead. Just one drop to last forever.
Monday, April 22, 2013
Sadness is a Blessing
Disillusionment.
Do we see God through the way we see ourselves? And in that do we make ourselves God over Him? Does our faith crumble under the reality of how great God is?
Saturday, April 20, 2013
21
2 eye lids painted gold
10 around an hibachi table
3 sores on my feet
And countless, countless thoughts of sleep
And zero, zero thoughts of peace
5 messages on my phone
4 from Twitter
1 from Lori
7 minutes til midnight
7 play the trivia game
2 sit on their phones
1 dog distracts the others
2 drinks i consume
1 shot i spit out
And countless, countless times i wonder about him
And zero, zero times do i do a thing about it
20 monsters i have faced thus far
4 years in i was disowned
12 hours ago my father was too busy
3 years of smothering fears
21 dollars in my pocket
And countless, countless times i have failed
And one, just one day i take at a time
Friday, April 19, 2013
"For dreams result from much work and a fool’s voice from many words."
It's been a while since I have written anything self-reflexive. There has been no poetry from my pen, no deep thoughts, no anything that has to do with me. There is a reason for it, a self-preservation based reason that I still would like to cling to even now as I seek to just lay it out there. But I can't continue on this way. I have to admit, believe, and commit. Not unto salvation where I first heard this ABC spiel, but to my life. One that I have not lived consciously in a very long time.
Admittedly, to confess all that I did transgress in the last year would take me a long time, then, near the end, I'd lie and just finish it abruptly wanting to get away from the ugliness. I admit to not knowing a single thing about my future or how I can get out of this hole I am in at this very moment. I dug it myself using my own bloodied hands against the gravel that wished to hold me up. I broke through the first layer and went further and further down until I sit here in the exact spot on the other side of the earth. In the same house. In the same position. With the same people. I am a lot less angry now, learning to only feel anything over fictional characters and worlds, or the injustice received by those I care about. I can't care about myself. I put myself in this place of no movement and unless I pull myself out, I will stay here. A nonperson. A no one. A burden. Nothing.
I try to soothe myself with promises that I have every intention of keeping, but fail to. I remind myself of my dreams and the lofty goals I have in store for me, but then as I try to achieve them I fail. I admit that my writing has suffered the minute I shrugged off self and threw it in the corner of the closet in my mind and decided it was too painful to grow on my insides. I admit to failing and lying and just letting anything and everything get in the way of myself achieving one single thing.
Belief in the Lord above has been strangled. I lost the joy of my salvation yes, but I have lost much much more than something like that. I have lost...the conviction of my beliefs, my morals, and of the God I desperately wish I knew. It started with anger that I let seep in over the pains of my loved ones against those who claimed to know you. Then I looked in the mirror and saw that I was exactly like they were-just as judgmental and cruel and false in the things I say I believe and the Love I daily forgot to be. That broke my faith and I looked at the world lost. Who was the God I believed in now? How do I approach Him? How do I perform His service? In my lost state, doubt crept in along with it's buddy anger. A new anger, directed right at God from myself in my state. It coursed through me, animating my limbs in something horrible. I am so sorry God. And now, where I am, I am looking up at Him trying to find a place solid enough on this shifting sand so that I can jump, grab a branch that won't break under the weight of my sin against God, and use it to pull myself up. I am calling to Him with no voice, if I lost in through my anger or in my fear of finding Him, I am not sure. If you asked me the questions of God, I'd give you the correct answers without any faith behind those statements. I have lost my belief. I believe though I have lost my belief. Do you know what I mean by that?
I commit to finding God and myself again. I commit to achieving my dreams through ACTIONS and not foolishly through words as I sit on my ass pretending life away. I will drown if I continue to do that. If I give up. Give me Your hands, give me Your feet, give me Your courage, Lord let me run to you forsaking all else. Forsaking my fears and the reality that I am a no person. For indeed I am no one with out you.
Midnight tonight, starts a new year of my life. And by You, I will find You and be the person of my dreams. I will piece together my heart in Your name, for the sake of my heart and my dreams, and for all the stories I have in me and will have that deserve to be written. Oh Lord, have mercy on this poor soul lost in the hole on the other side of a dark and dangerous universe.
Let this escapist find her way home.
Admittedly, to confess all that I did transgress in the last year would take me a long time, then, near the end, I'd lie and just finish it abruptly wanting to get away from the ugliness. I admit to not knowing a single thing about my future or how I can get out of this hole I am in at this very moment. I dug it myself using my own bloodied hands against the gravel that wished to hold me up. I broke through the first layer and went further and further down until I sit here in the exact spot on the other side of the earth. In the same house. In the same position. With the same people. I am a lot less angry now, learning to only feel anything over fictional characters and worlds, or the injustice received by those I care about. I can't care about myself. I put myself in this place of no movement and unless I pull myself out, I will stay here. A nonperson. A no one. A burden. Nothing.
I try to soothe myself with promises that I have every intention of keeping, but fail to. I remind myself of my dreams and the lofty goals I have in store for me, but then as I try to achieve them I fail. I admit that my writing has suffered the minute I shrugged off self and threw it in the corner of the closet in my mind and decided it was too painful to grow on my insides. I admit to failing and lying and just letting anything and everything get in the way of myself achieving one single thing.
Belief in the Lord above has been strangled. I lost the joy of my salvation yes, but I have lost much much more than something like that. I have lost...the conviction of my beliefs, my morals, and of the God I desperately wish I knew. It started with anger that I let seep in over the pains of my loved ones against those who claimed to know you. Then I looked in the mirror and saw that I was exactly like they were-just as judgmental and cruel and false in the things I say I believe and the Love I daily forgot to be. That broke my faith and I looked at the world lost. Who was the God I believed in now? How do I approach Him? How do I perform His service? In my lost state, doubt crept in along with it's buddy anger. A new anger, directed right at God from myself in my state. It coursed through me, animating my limbs in something horrible. I am so sorry God. And now, where I am, I am looking up at Him trying to find a place solid enough on this shifting sand so that I can jump, grab a branch that won't break under the weight of my sin against God, and use it to pull myself up. I am calling to Him with no voice, if I lost in through my anger or in my fear of finding Him, I am not sure. If you asked me the questions of God, I'd give you the correct answers without any faith behind those statements. I have lost my belief. I believe though I have lost my belief. Do you know what I mean by that?
I commit to finding God and myself again. I commit to achieving my dreams through ACTIONS and not foolishly through words as I sit on my ass pretending life away. I will drown if I continue to do that. If I give up. Give me Your hands, give me Your feet, give me Your courage, Lord let me run to you forsaking all else. Forsaking my fears and the reality that I am a no person. For indeed I am no one with out you.
Midnight tonight, starts a new year of my life. And by You, I will find You and be the person of my dreams. I will piece together my heart in Your name, for the sake of my heart and my dreams, and for all the stories I have in me and will have that deserve to be written. Oh Lord, have mercy on this poor soul lost in the hole on the other side of a dark and dangerous universe.
Let this escapist find her way home.
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