Release

I wear my body
like it's a shell
harboring bittersweet memories of you-
I'm drowning in this well
of poisoned tongues
and all the words I said to hurt you
come back and show me
just how much they hurt
but no longer can they wound you
they come back and hit me in the gut
and oh my soul,
it can't make peace
with good God Almighty saying
"Release"
Give all your pain
Give all your mourning
all your anger
and regret
to Me...
I can't let go
If I do, I might
somehow lose you
And I can't-oh Lord I won't
lose the only bits I have of you
for any kind of peace.
I mouth the words,
say 'God is Good'
that He provides
though I am angry at Him
for snatching you
I know if you could see me now,
my sweet friend,
that you'd say
I can't continue to be this way
I know it isn't living
I know it gives no peace
and when the angelic choir sings
"Release, Release"
I turn and run away
to a cave, that's now my home
it isn't pretty
but at least here, I'm alone
to remember your lazy smiles
and all my tears
I would tell you I'm trying to move on
but i won't lie to you,
not anymore
I wear my body like a shell-
it's breaking me down so well-
and i dig my fingers deeper into you-
as good God says-
"Release"
no, i'll never give myself that peace-
i'll blame and blame-
into my shame, i'll hide in caves-
and forget to live...
My goodness, I know you told me to live on,
but I won't...
oh to imagine a world with out you,
I can't...
~brittany
2/24/11

((...another JMS one, due to a dream i had. it was something like: I had a dream...that instead of getting sicker and leaving to be with Jesus, you had stayed and gotten better. People were giving your old stuff away in a Nike store by a flipflop display. Everyone kept praising God, saying, 'God is so good' but walked past you like you wern't standing there watching them, knowing they didn't mean those words. They acted as if you were gone...and when i woke i wondered if I had dreamed of your ghost...))

Consumed

I thought I saw you
today, just a glimpse
as I was walking past
just a flicker...

I swear I could
feel you today, A
cold, prickling on
my skin, a pressure
in my chest, there-
then gone

I tasted you today-
I know i did-
in the midst of
self-discipline enough
to make my soul
fragile, I tasted you
on my tongue- a
gnawing hunger grew
in me-
bitter, painful,
terrifying

Time ticks by
and I know you're
coming out soon,
to greet me in the
mirror,
in my soul,
right before my
very eyes

I ate you today,
consumed you head
to toe, bone-flesh-
blood-tooth-nail,
I devoured you
in hopes of getting
rid of you, today-
forever-

I heard you just now,
an echo, a scream
bending and churning in my
stomach-crawling up
my throat-
exposing yourself in my very
skin

I don't know who I am
today
It's all a blur
so chaotic and impressive

Was I meant to be
this way?
In my every fiber,
I am a stranger
unholy, godforsaken,
a bestial creature
pouring poison through every
touch of lips

I don't know who
I am today,
more alive than I've ever been
Not a scared puppet,
but some powerful master

I ate myself
the fragile bits
and left myself
to the wilderness

and now I watch as the
black raw power
in me,
grows

It was overwhelming,
all this living
a bright, yet
short flame

Positively domineering
I couldn't be alive
forever...
I couldn't experience
this...perfect..forever

All inside of me
creating beauty,
creating devastation
heating my body up-
i no longer need breathing

but i am Being-
powerful-
a perfect creature
with deadly hands,
terrifying hands
that lay wake to mine
own death
even still, I feel
perfection

I felt myself today,
lived in it's beauty
It was a brilliant flame
in the dark sky,
all this beauty and I,
died quickly
but for a few moments,
I was alive, powerful,
I felt it, I
felt perfect.
~brittany ((..after watching Black Swan))
2/5/11

If I fall, will you let me down easy?

I felt like I was
channeling you today.
Or, rather, the old you
with my cold heart
and my callous words,
I felt today

like I was almost
sinking down into my grave
I wished you were
with me
I whispered it into
the lonely breeze
as I followed your old
footsteps back into
that old, cancerous
hole.

You and I are
no more, you see?
It breaks my heart
real easy, when I remember how
you left and how I stayed

to face the cold season
alone, fighting by myself
against the abuses
of the sea, of the sky,
of the soul,

I'm flying to high
now, easy
Don't look too close,
I'm no longer pretty
my lungs are tar,
my lips are blue
and I swear to God
if you call the cops
we're damned through
and through

Your eyes don't
recognize me anymore,
I know I've been
disfigured by what
I've become,
but all I've learned
has been by what
you've done.

But, baby, I'm not
strong like you are
It's not as easy
for me to rebound from
the highs,
and how great are the falls,
I just loved you so much
oh how I had waited for your call...
and in these highs,
it's not the hard to please me
but
if i fall,
will you let me down easy?
~brittany
2/3/11

Didn't you know? I'm in love with you.

Recently, I've been
living off of stale
sonnets and out of tune
guitars, wishing I
had the balls,
long ago,
to tell you how much
of myself belonged to
you.

Damn you, you're
like this parasite
that latches onto
my heart and has
begun to drain me dry

lately my mind's
been made up of
sour coffee and
breath mints to hide
my raw throat,
my burning insides
as I dream of
the days when I had
you in my gaze.

Oh my soul, every memory of you
is sick, is sweet,
is tainted by
the fact that
they're just memories

nowadays I use
cough syrup and gravel
to hide my broken
voice box.
my broken time machine
made up of every word
I said, not to have you
stay, but to cut you off
and push you away.

and wouldn't you know,
you had other places to go
to leave me behind,
herein this grind of
flesh against teeth,
flesh against flesh,
flesh against concrete.

Didn't you know?
You had my soul.
Didn't you know?
I'm in love with you.
and pushing you away
was the easiest thing to do.
~brittany
2/3/11

The View From Up Here

I can't describe
how I changed my mind
and i know I won't
be able
to apologize for who
I've been up to this
point-

A world class manipulator,
a successful liar
unhappy,
angry, stressed,
always in control-

But the binds that
hold me tight
just got cut.
I severed the ties,
hold their limp strands
in my trembling strands

I can't describe
what caused me to come to mind
the unchaotic life
I've been known to lead.
And I know I won't be able
to apologize for those I've hurt
My words are not capable-
my stomach clenches,
please tell me this isn't
a waste of time.

Shedding the skin
of the slave I've been
into something so high,
I think I've fallen into the sky

And I can't describe
the view from up here
it's terrible and scary
and something i know I'll enjoy

You won't ever know
what changed my mind-
what caused me to fly-
til you get up here with me.
~brittany
(1/29/11)