Release

I wear my body
like it's a shell
harboring bittersweet memories of you-
I'm drowning in this well
of poisoned tongues
and all the words I said to hurt you
come back and show me
just how much they hurt
but no longer can they wound you
they come back and hit me in the gut
and oh my soul,
it can't make peace
with good God Almighty saying
"Release"
Give all your pain
Give all your mourning
all your anger
and regret
to Me...
I can't let go
If I do, I might
somehow lose you
And I can't-oh Lord I won't
lose the only bits I have of you
for any kind of peace.
I mouth the words,
say 'God is Good'
that He provides
though I am angry at Him
for snatching you
I know if you could see me now,
my sweet friend,
that you'd say
I can't continue to be this way
I know it isn't living
I know it gives no peace
and when the angelic choir sings
"Release, Release"
I turn and run away
to a cave, that's now my home
it isn't pretty
but at least here, I'm alone
to remember your lazy smiles
and all my tears
I would tell you I'm trying to move on
but i won't lie to you,
not anymore
I wear my body like a shell-
it's breaking me down so well-
and i dig my fingers deeper into you-
as good God says-
"Release"
no, i'll never give myself that peace-
i'll blame and blame-
into my shame, i'll hide in caves-
and forget to live...
My goodness, I know you told me to live on,
but I won't...
oh to imagine a world with out you,
I can't...
~brittany
2/24/11

((...another JMS one, due to a dream i had. it was something like: I had a dream...that instead of getting sicker and leaving to be with Jesus, you had stayed and gotten better. People were giving your old stuff away in a Nike store by a flipflop display. Everyone kept praising God, saying, 'God is so good' but walked past you like you wern't standing there watching them, knowing they didn't mean those words. They acted as if you were gone...and when i woke i wondered if I had dreamed of your ghost...))