Churning

I have grown weary of invincibility
my defenses have begun to turn on me
and i cannot accept that this is true
anymore.

My stomach plummets,
when i consider questions i cannot answer
yet,
when i realize my fears have become a part of
me,
when I find that who i used to be,
could only lead to my death.

I have accepted defeat
as I fall into something a lot like vulnerability
something I used to hate,
something that makes me queasy
and I wonder if this is something i should
run away from.

My heart beats erratically,
when i know that i am close to breaking this hard
shell,
when i know that all my defenses have been
pummeled,
when i find that all these thing i feel,
could be both a curse and a blessing.

I have given up my invincibility,
Good God, This one's gonna hurt,
I look a lot like someone actually living,
fully feeling,
being and embracing
and I know that this is a gift You have given me.

My insides are churning
when i try to foresee the future of my
life,
when I think of how this all could actually
last,
when I thank God for giving me this blessing
and teaching me still.

~brittany
5/9/11

Fall On Your Knees

Footsteps harbor promises
kept in the depths of princes'
hearts, and in my prince's heart

But he isn't truly mine,
is he?
He's all hollowed out
on the inside,
more a shell of a human
than anything close to
a beating, breathing soul
I fall on my knees, pray
to God to heal him
of his frightful chair,
this hollowed curse
but, to the destruction
of my life's breath,
he sits, still, immobile
with empty, dark eyes,
and no peace, no love,
nothing, it seems, left for me

Wings flutter away
soft, yet heavy with laughter
they mock me, mock my love
and my once sweet prince

So golden and beautiful,
a crown of angel's tears
rested upon his head ,
as he sat on the image of the Divine's
most glorious throne
But his heart ceased beating
for things such as love
when humanity, with it's
devil's chains, came calling
demanding he rape, pillage, take and
take, lest he and his life be counted forefit
And to the dismay or my kiss,
he broke away from it,
left me alone, fallen on
my knees, wailing at the loss

Breaths, counted slowly now,
shuddering gasps I take ti
stay alive, wondering if my
prince will grace my last wish

But he isn't truly my prince,
is he?
He belongs to a lineage of royalty
and duty and my heart's
rung forefit
He comes, this vision of my life,
at my last hour, he stares
at me with those dark, dark eyes,
orders all to go
and finally whispers a plea from his
stoic, stone lips

fall on your knees,
mend this poisoned lover's heart,
make me whole, my champion,
my prince
You're forever my only wish
beyond life, beyond death

and with my final breath,
you fall on your knees, my sweet, sweet prince
and wonder why the gods and the angels
are so cruel to one
on so high a chair.
~brittany
4/29/11

Repeat it To Me

Voices, like liquid,
catch in my throat,
hook in my mouth,
and drag me along
Sensors, all over my body,
behave erratically
and it angers me
Eyes, like vicious beacons
latch onto my lusts
and bring them to light
like a sign,
hung as a noose
'round my neck
Completely Whole,
still wishing there was more
more eyes to love me,
more curved lips to shine on me,
more titles given to my name,
to the begining and ending of my days

Repeat it to me

Repeat my name,
chant it like a curse
'til at last I cannot breathe
because of it,
repeat it to me

repeat the call of my heart,
cry it out maddeningly
and make me see,
force my body to turn
and to accept all of you

Hands, like gravedigger's tools,
unearth me from my fears,
caress me like a lover,
and leave me cold and alone
Noises, like a viper's hiss,
lash out at me as
I imagine my prince
taking me up, giving me his name,
his love
Thrones, like my untimely fate,
sit still, as figure head,
etched throughout history,
stagnant, immaculate,
ever ready to hold me still,
like a prisoner upon it
Completely Broken,
full of holes, I am leaking
wishing frantically that there was truth,
truth to my desires,
truth to my words,
truth to fill the holes in me
to the begining and ending of my days

Repeat it to me

Repeat that it does exist,
a true forever, in happiness
with a true love and a true wish,
not dismissed but paid in full
Repeat it to me,
repeat it to me,
repeat...
~brittany
4/28/11

Veil

There is a flood
on the wings of some fabled
blue beast
approaching us,
pushing up back
towards the Veil

There is a consuming horde
biting at our heels
wanting to see us fall
and die
and be ripped apart by their hands,
their teeth, their all

And here the witness our trip,
they witness our fall

It is so like them to
shudder with fear and tremble
when at last we hit the ground
and become ensnared in the Veil's
wispy arms

It is such a demanding grasp
that takes hold of us
and drags us toward the veil
of life into death
And we forget to fight,
forget who we are
as we watch it, transfixed
as we watch our lives get stolen from us

And here, an unearthly scream wakes us,
a scream jolts through our bones

We thrash and we fight,
we beg and we plead,
gripping onto smooth walls,
trying to preserve our mortality
Our voices find their call
as we scream to escape

Blood's bruising our eyes,
flooding our sight
and with one last tug,
we're thrown out of shape
out of the Veil
and it's grasp

The hordes roar and scream
and deman our blood and our dreams
but we fight, fight them off
while ahead the blue beast
circles closer with those undying waters
that are sure to drown us

But, as champions, we still fight
and fight, cursing the 'whelming flow

The Veil, she can't get us,
she won't be at our side when the hour is late,
we will fight death,
with our souls and our blades
we'll fight the end,
fight death,
our foe and our friend.
~brittany
4/29/11

untitled

I don't know how many nights
I've spent wide awake
in pain beside your beauty,
in awe of your face

I don't know how many lives
lost to the veil-
brother, sister, friend, foe-
will have to die for my fight
for a love, I'll never let go of

Where could we run?
Where could I escape
my destiny, with you?
from the wonders of your grace,
you're so beautiful
upon that stage,
larger than life,
more than the comprehension of my eyes

Take me whole,
chew me up,
inject me into your soul

I don't know how many tears
I'll have to shed,
but never admit
I don't know how many king's
throats I'll have to slit,
before I can keep you

Watch them run,
watch our foes
fall on their knees and tremble
before me

take me whole,
love me, I beg
make these deaths worth something
instead of ceaseless regret

My beautiful one,
my painful one,
inject me into your soul

make all the lives
lost to the veil
dying for my love,
worth all the cost

I don't know how many nights
on the shores of our Troy
I roll over and meet your eyes

And I don't know how much longer
we have,
or what is to come
'til the horde consumes us all,
We will fight, and fight and fight
for this love.
~brittany
4/28/11

Release

I wear my body
like it's a shell
harboring bittersweet memories of you-
I'm drowning in this well
of poisoned tongues
and all the words I said to hurt you
come back and show me
just how much they hurt
but no longer can they wound you
they come back and hit me in the gut
and oh my soul,
it can't make peace
with good God Almighty saying
"Release"
Give all your pain
Give all your mourning
all your anger
and regret
to Me...
I can't let go
If I do, I might
somehow lose you
And I can't-oh Lord I won't
lose the only bits I have of you
for any kind of peace.
I mouth the words,
say 'God is Good'
that He provides
though I am angry at Him
for snatching you
I know if you could see me now,
my sweet friend,
that you'd say
I can't continue to be this way
I know it isn't living
I know it gives no peace
and when the angelic choir sings
"Release, Release"
I turn and run away
to a cave, that's now my home
it isn't pretty
but at least here, I'm alone
to remember your lazy smiles
and all my tears
I would tell you I'm trying to move on
but i won't lie to you,
not anymore
I wear my body like a shell-
it's breaking me down so well-
and i dig my fingers deeper into you-
as good God says-
"Release"
no, i'll never give myself that peace-
i'll blame and blame-
into my shame, i'll hide in caves-
and forget to live...
My goodness, I know you told me to live on,
but I won't...
oh to imagine a world with out you,
I can't...
~brittany
2/24/11

((...another JMS one, due to a dream i had. it was something like: I had a dream...that instead of getting sicker and leaving to be with Jesus, you had stayed and gotten better. People were giving your old stuff away in a Nike store by a flipflop display. Everyone kept praising God, saying, 'God is so good' but walked past you like you wern't standing there watching them, knowing they didn't mean those words. They acted as if you were gone...and when i woke i wondered if I had dreamed of your ghost...))

Consumed

I thought I saw you
today, just a glimpse
as I was walking past
just a flicker...

I swear I could
feel you today, A
cold, prickling on
my skin, a pressure
in my chest, there-
then gone

I tasted you today-
I know i did-
in the midst of
self-discipline enough
to make my soul
fragile, I tasted you
on my tongue- a
gnawing hunger grew
in me-
bitter, painful,
terrifying

Time ticks by
and I know you're
coming out soon,
to greet me in the
mirror,
in my soul,
right before my
very eyes

I ate you today,
consumed you head
to toe, bone-flesh-
blood-tooth-nail,
I devoured you
in hopes of getting
rid of you, today-
forever-

I heard you just now,
an echo, a scream
bending and churning in my
stomach-crawling up
my throat-
exposing yourself in my very
skin

I don't know who I am
today
It's all a blur
so chaotic and impressive

Was I meant to be
this way?
In my every fiber,
I am a stranger
unholy, godforsaken,
a bestial creature
pouring poison through every
touch of lips

I don't know who
I am today,
more alive than I've ever been
Not a scared puppet,
but some powerful master

I ate myself
the fragile bits
and left myself
to the wilderness

and now I watch as the
black raw power
in me,
grows

It was overwhelming,
all this living
a bright, yet
short flame

Positively domineering
I couldn't be alive
forever...
I couldn't experience
this...perfect..forever

All inside of me
creating beauty,
creating devastation
heating my body up-
i no longer need breathing

but i am Being-
powerful-
a perfect creature
with deadly hands,
terrifying hands
that lay wake to mine
own death
even still, I feel
perfection

I felt myself today,
lived in it's beauty
It was a brilliant flame
in the dark sky,
all this beauty and I,
died quickly
but for a few moments,
I was alive, powerful,
I felt it, I
felt perfect.
~brittany ((..after watching Black Swan))
2/5/11

If I fall, will you let me down easy?

I felt like I was
channeling you today.
Or, rather, the old you
with my cold heart
and my callous words,
I felt today

like I was almost
sinking down into my grave
I wished you were
with me
I whispered it into
the lonely breeze
as I followed your old
footsteps back into
that old, cancerous
hole.

You and I are
no more, you see?
It breaks my heart
real easy, when I remember how
you left and how I stayed

to face the cold season
alone, fighting by myself
against the abuses
of the sea, of the sky,
of the soul,

I'm flying to high
now, easy
Don't look too close,
I'm no longer pretty
my lungs are tar,
my lips are blue
and I swear to God
if you call the cops
we're damned through
and through

Your eyes don't
recognize me anymore,
I know I've been
disfigured by what
I've become,
but all I've learned
has been by what
you've done.

But, baby, I'm not
strong like you are
It's not as easy
for me to rebound from
the highs,
and how great are the falls,
I just loved you so much
oh how I had waited for your call...
and in these highs,
it's not the hard to please me
but
if i fall,
will you let me down easy?
~brittany
2/3/11

Didn't you know? I'm in love with you.

Recently, I've been
living off of stale
sonnets and out of tune
guitars, wishing I
had the balls,
long ago,
to tell you how much
of myself belonged to
you.

Damn you, you're
like this parasite
that latches onto
my heart and has
begun to drain me dry

lately my mind's
been made up of
sour coffee and
breath mints to hide
my raw throat,
my burning insides
as I dream of
the days when I had
you in my gaze.

Oh my soul, every memory of you
is sick, is sweet,
is tainted by
the fact that
they're just memories

nowadays I use
cough syrup and gravel
to hide my broken
voice box.
my broken time machine
made up of every word
I said, not to have you
stay, but to cut you off
and push you away.

and wouldn't you know,
you had other places to go
to leave me behind,
herein this grind of
flesh against teeth,
flesh against flesh,
flesh against concrete.

Didn't you know?
You had my soul.
Didn't you know?
I'm in love with you.
and pushing you away
was the easiest thing to do.
~brittany
2/3/11

The View From Up Here

I can't describe
how I changed my mind
and i know I won't
be able
to apologize for who
I've been up to this
point-

A world class manipulator,
a successful liar
unhappy,
angry, stressed,
always in control-

But the binds that
hold me tight
just got cut.
I severed the ties,
hold their limp strands
in my trembling strands

I can't describe
what caused me to come to mind
the unchaotic life
I've been known to lead.
And I know I won't be able
to apologize for those I've hurt
My words are not capable-
my stomach clenches,
please tell me this isn't
a waste of time.

Shedding the skin
of the slave I've been
into something so high,
I think I've fallen into the sky

And I can't describe
the view from up here
it's terrible and scary
and something i know I'll enjoy

You won't ever know
what changed my mind-
what caused me to fly-
til you get up here with me.
~brittany
(1/29/11)

Girl

I've been telling you, girl,
you can paint
with all those colors of the
wind,
like some long legged,
tan beauty
running free,
I tell you to be
and to paint the
colors that you see

look at me,
look at me girl,
let me envelope your vision
try to make sense
of what you see
look at me,
look at me girl

I've been warning you girl
to not give your
heart away
'don't delve into it'
but, of things such as
devotion and desire,
you thought I was a liar
until you were scarred
by its painful two-edged sword
stabbing you where
'it counts'
then twisting the blade
to create a monster hole
to be filled or to
sour and infect
with dirty, empty things

look at me
look at me girl
try to find the deception
in me
that you claim I hold
try to find my imagined malice against you,
as i tell you
look hard, harder girl
look at me
look at me girl

I've been wasting my time, girl,
haven't I?
I open my mouth, girl,
just to feel my lungs expand
and inhale the air
that you refuse to accept...
so just hold your tiny
vine close,
keep her beautiful,
green and wild

look at me,
look at me girl
and hear me,
hear me girl,
understand that all I
want for you is to be
free,
i was never your enemy.
-brittany
1/2/11